Coming Out of the Closet has Not been Easy

Not that closet. The gray hair closet!

In this post, I will share my experience with gray hair.

I first spotted gray hair on my head at age 22. By age 30, I had grayed enough for many to consider me much older than I was.

Around this time, I began meeting prospective brides through blind dates, for which my match-making parents suggested I dye my hair.

I, however, refused to misrepresent myself.

My gray hair did not hinder the women I met, including my wife.

How would I have reacted if the women I met had heads as gray as mine? Maybe not as accepting.

Because society evaluates women more than men based on physical appearance, we are programmed to be less accepting of gray-haired women than gray-haired men.

As a male, I cannot claim I felt overly pressured by societal expectations to color my hair.

Nonetheless, I started coloring my hair in my early 30s.

I thought my gray hair didn’t bother my wife when we met. It did, but she saw it as a manageable problem. A few years after marriage, she motivated me to dye my hair, which I did with short-term positive outcomes.

I looked younger. I felt younger.

The years rolled by.

In my early 30s, my gray hair contradicted my youthful face; in my late 40s, my black hair contradicted my wrinkled face.

My hair-face mismatch signaled enough was enough. I targeted age 50 to go gray.

But I ran into a roadblock as I approached 50.

My hair started falling alarmingly. Too bad because graying and balding deflate a youthful appearance like hell. Premature graying did not bother me, but losing hair did.

Dyeing not only darkens hair but also makes gray-thinning hair look thicker and fuller. Reason enough for me to postpone my plan to go gray.

By my late 50s, my hair loss and receding hairline had slowed. And I reconciled with my thinning hair. It was time to let go of dyeing hair.

The pandemic provided an excellent opportunity to reconfigure my life and routines.

During work from home, I stopped coloring my hair regularly. I took walks in the neighborhood and grocery shopped, sporting multi-hued hair with unsightly gray regrowth separation lines.

My hideous-looking hair didn’t sit well with my wife. She thought it ironic that I tried to look youthful for others, but not for her.

Some seized the pandemic opportunity to sport their natural mane. From the local news anchor on television to Nirmala Sitharaman, India’s finance minister.

But, I came out of the pandemic with limited progress toward going gray. It’s not easy to let go, at least in my experience.

Post-pandemic, it seems, to me, more women are going gray.

Because gray-haired women are far fewer than gray-haired men, women who embrace gray hair can stand out and make a style statement. I don’t have this incentive.

I dyed my hair because I grayed prematurely, and by coloring, I controlled my life outcomes. That’s what I believe.

I can blame society and family for not having stopped dyeing my hair past premature graying. And the hair care industry for making coloring safer and less tedious through product innovations.

However, the uncomfortable truth is that my hair-coloring behavior suggests I have low self-esteem and hide behind appearances.

Who am I trying to fool?

Most people know or can tell I dye my hair. I am probably invisible to the young, and dark hair will not make me visible to them.

Do I have to see some gray down under before I accept I am fighting a futile battle?

I picked the wrong fight in battling the double-headed hair monster of graying and balding.

I should have fought the deadly human vanity monster, the driver of my taxing hair relationship. This fight would have strengthened, not weakened me.

It’s better late than never, though. Finally, I have traction. I am now partially gray and, fingers crossed, transitioning to uncolored hair as I approach retirement in two years.

Recently, life came full circle when my 27-year-old son told me he has several gray hairs on his head.

I could tell him to embrace gray hair or fight it. I suggested he…

 

Some Assorted Comments

Beyond a certain age, dark-colored hair makes many people look older, not younger. A case in point is Tom Cruise in Top Gun: Maverick.

Most aging Bollywood stars never give up dyeing hair. There is no escape from the hair dye black hole.

For men, gray hair is seen as a sign of maturity, and thanks to the likes of George Clooney, sometimes sex appeal. However, that is not the case as much for women. Unfortunately, that is how it is.

Traditionally, hair is considered a more significant element of physical appearance for women than for men. Hair has been portrayed effusively in literature, cinema, and songs as a symbol of feminine beauty. Accordingly, when it comes to hair, women probably face more pressure than men to conform to societal expectations of youthfulness.

As a young adult, I was not into hair care. I couldn’t understand why most of my friends fussed about their hair. I wonder how hair snobs deal with graying and balding.