My father passed away this past June at the age of ninety.
When I think of him, I begin with his life, not with the way it ended.
He was born in a small village in Kashmir in British India, the sixth of eight children in a family of modest means. He was the only one of them to pursue postgraduate studies, specializing in entomology.
My father, Bansi Lal Tikoo, joined the Central Silk Board and spent his entire career there. Upon joining, the Board deputed him to the Indian Agricultural Research Institute for two years to train in breeding and genetics. That shaped the course of his work. 
He became a leading sericulture researcher, breeding silkworm races that significantly improved both the quality and yield of silk. His work earned national recognition, and those races remain in use decades later.
His work was never just a job. He would slip away to his institute at odd hours to check on a new project. When he named the races he developed, he wove in his family’s initials. Even as administrative responsibilities grew later in his career, applied research remained his first love.
Because of him, I learned that government organizations are not just bureaucracy and inefficiency. They also contain some capable, committed people who quietly make lasting contributions.
The same quiet devotion marked his marriage. At the time, arranged marriages often meant the bride and groom never met until the wedding day. It was, in many ways, like a lottery. My father felt he had hit the jackpot. He was captivated by my mother from the beginning and loved her until the very end. 
Together they raised three children. Knowing how education had transformed his life, he made ours his highest priority. He ensured we attended the best schools and stayed involved through college and beyond.
I am grateful for the life he lived: a boy from a remote Kashmiri village who traveled the world, built a deeply satisfying career, found lasting love, and watched his children flourish.
That was my father for most of his ninety years.
What Alzheimer’s Takes
As he entered his mid-eighties, Alzheimer’s began its relentless work.
It is a gradual dismantling of a human being. It took his ability to read and write and to recognize almost all of his family and friends. It stole his vocabulary, one word at a time, until it took speech itself. Eventually, it took even the body’s most basic functions: continence, chewing, and swallowing.
Alzheimer’s unmakes the person long before the body gives out. It forces those who love them to grieve someone who is still in the room.
Until his early eighties, he remained the incredibly active and independent person he always was. That contrast made his decline all the more heartbreaking.
The Difficult Decision
The end came when he was hospitalized with critically low blood pressure and pulse. He spent nearly three weeks in the ICU, while doctors searched unsuccessfully for a reversible cause.
After ninety years, his body was simply giving out.
The conversation shifted from treatment to choice.
Should he remain in the ICU, with his blood pressure and pulse sustained by medications and intensive medical care, or should he come home?
He didn’t have an advance directive. We had never spoken about a situation like this. For his generation, such conversations were rare, and advance directives remain uncommon in India.
So I had to decide. I drew on what I believed he would have chosen and what I would have wanted for myself. My brother and sister had arrived by then, and their presence and consensus made the decision a little less agonizing.
After discussions with his doctors, we took him home. He lived five more days and passed away in his sleep, in his own bed, surrounded by family.
I will never know whether I chose exactly as he would have.
When you must decide whether to continue life support for someone who can no longer speak for themselves, you are making perhaps the most consequential decision you will ever make on another person’s behalf.
This experience compelled my wife and me to write our advance directives, so that our son never has to guess our wishes.
After Death
Every religion and community has its own way of saying goodbye. Kashmiri Hindus have elaborate post-death customs. Some traditions have faded with time, but many remain.
After the cremation and immersion of the ashes on the fourth day, we performed rites on the 10th, 11th, and 12th days, on the banks of the Ganges in Haridwar.
The rites unfolded amid early-morning chants, holy fire, lamps, and incense, with offerings of flowers and rice-flour balls, which were later released into the current.
As I went through the rituals, most of them didn’t resonate with me, though their underlying purpose—praying for the salvation of the soul—did. Even so, I chose to observe them. What if they mattered? Grief is often not a time for philosophical certainty.
Just as we wrote our advance directives, we have also documented our preferences regarding post-death customs to spare our son the burden of social expectations or the fear of falling short. 
Reflection
In the end, I think not of his difficult final years, but of everything that came before: the scientist who advanced Indian sericulture, the husband who hit the jackpot in love, and the father who built the foundation we stand on.
That is the father I remember.
44 Comments
A heartfelt and deeply touching tribute by you, dear Surinder Tikoo Ji. 🙏
My deepest condolences to you and your entire family on the sad demise of your respected father. Reading your heartfelt tribute brought back memories of my own father, who too suffered from Alzheimer’s during his final days. I can therefore relate, to some extent, to the immense emotional pain and helplessness that one experiences while seeing a loved one go through such a difficult phase.
May the Almighty give you and your family the strength, courage, and inner peace to bear this irreparable loss. May the departed soul find eternal peace and a place at the feet of the Almighty.
My heartfelt prayers and deepest sympathies are with you all during this difficult time.
Om Shanti. 🙏🙏
Thank you, Anil, for your prayers.
Your blog post is an incredibly beautiful and heartfelt tribute to your beloved father who departed to the spiritual world unto the
shelter and service of the Supreme Lord.
Kudos to him for his greater educational and professional achievements, and being an amazing father, loving and caring husband
and greatly compassionate with his family, easy to deal with and pleasant with his coworkers and colleagues, very humble and
motivational for all people around him.
You, your wonderful wife Preeti and all the family paid a lot of respect and took great care of him. It was awesome meeting with your loving father at your place in NY. I can imagine, It must be greatly satisfying for you, you made him supremely proud as a son.
Beyond his grand achievements, he will be remembered for the exceptional wisdom he shared, the lives he touched, and the values he instilled in you, all family and all people around him.
May his love and profound teachings continue to guide and bless you and your esteemed family with peace, divinity and super happiness!!!
Innumerable Salutations and Glories to the benevolent father!!
Thank you, Sudha, for your kind words.
Dear Surinder,
What a beautiful tribute to your father you shared! I truly empathize with the pain you are going through. It is never easy to adjust to the loss of parents, no matter the age. My heartfelt condolences and prayers for your father’s departed soul. May he rest in peace.
Thinking of you and your family,
Brij
Thank you, Brij.
Surinder, if I were in your shoes, I would have done exactly what you did. Though I religiously perform annual rites for my parents, I do not want my children to do those for me. I too have drawn clear route map for my trip to oblivion.
All have to leave, condolences is sharing grief.
Thank you, Prathapan. I appreciate your concurrence on the rites part.
Dear Surinder,
We are extremely sorry to hear about the loss of your lovely father. First, I heard the sad news from Sudha Rani Jee from USA and I immediately made phone call and talked to Preti.
Certainly, your father was a great man, the way you have mentioned in your tribute message, and his legacy will remain alive in this world 🌎 👏.
We (Urmila/Mrs Prasad and I) here with you at this bad and vacuum time for you and your family.
May the Almighty God give you so much strength during this painful time. Om Shanti Om 🕉.
Surendra and Urmila
Thank you. Preeti had told me you had called.
My dear friend, I am deeply saddened by the loss of your beloved father. No words can truly ease the pain of losing a parent, but please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. May God grant his noble soul eternal peace and give you the strength, courage, and comfort to face this difficult time. His love, values, and blessings will always remain with you. Om Shanti. 🙏
Thank you, Jayant.
Your tribute to your father is profoundly moving, deeply personal, and beautifully written. Capturing his journey—from a remote Kashmiri village to a pioneering scientist, devoted husband, and loving father—does such justice to his legacy.
Reading about how education transformed his life made me think of your grandparents. Being the sixth of eight children in a family of modest means, it must have taken remarkable foresight and vision on their part to support his pursuit of higher education and entomology back then. Including just a line or two acknowledging their early foresight would beautifully complete the story of how his incredible journey first began.
Thanks, Prem. His education and its financing are a multifaceted story.
What a beautiful tribute to your father! Your dad not only hit a jackpot in love but also in a wonderful son!
Taking your Dad home was the most respectful and comforting thing you did for your Dad in his final days. He must have wanted to return to his home too one last time and experience the comfort of home. My own father wanted to return home before he passed away unfortunately before we could move him he past away.
Thanks, Ian, for your reassuring message.
A wonderful tribute Tikoo! My prayers for a peaceful resting of your dear father’s soul. I too have gone through the same emotions and dilemmas when my father passed away in March this year after fighting a stroke induced memory and motor loss for nearly 4 years. It’s always to tough to deal with such situations, no matter how rational we think we are. God bless.
Thank you, Srini. I am sorry about your loss. When we met in Coorg, you had mentioned your father’s health issues.
Your heartfelt note is deeply moving in many different ways.
I empathize with the difficult moments during which you had to make the decision.
But, your dad, his memories and his legacy live on in his remarkable work, and his children.
Take Care
Vasu
Thank you, Vasu.
A beautiful homage to your Dad, Surinder. He would be proud. Om shanti 🕉️
Thanks, Suresh
Uncles lived a good and long life. We had many opportunities to meet him, see his active life and listen to his progressive views. It was very sad to see him loosing his cognitive capabilities slowly. I pray to lord Shiva for peace of his souls and strength to you to bear this loss. It’s not easy to adjust to the loss of parents, no matter the age.
Thanks for the prayers.
Beautifully written epistle about uncle. I had the good fortune of meeting him once and he was very affectionate and warm. I have stand with you and Preeti in this moment of grief.
It was a difficult decision to take and in hindsight, it seems to be the correct decision to bring him home. He was surrounded by his family and he went with dignity.
He was lucky to have you as his son.
My regards to you.
Thank you, Sangeeta.
Very soulful intellectual tribute to father. Every thought penned down is true for our kids to understand the practical meaning of all.
Your vision is exemplary.
Prayers for the departed soul.
Om nama Shivay.
Thanks, Manmeet.
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
My condolences , may his soul rest in peace for ever.
This is life
Perhaps u r blessed to b part of such a Great person 🙏🙏🙏
Thanks, Parveen.
My Uncle was one of the distinguished members of our family. He brought pride and honour to our family. He was a very soft spoken, lovable, down to earth gentleman with all the achievements he earned during his life span. We will always miss his presence in our lives. May God grant him moksha and highest place in the heaven.
Thanks, Sanjay.
A beautiful tribute, Inder. Your father’s journey, devotion, and dignity shine through every word. May his soul rest in peace.
Your reflections remind us how love, duty, and quiet excellence leave legacies that outlive us.
Thank you, Dinesh.
Surinder, thanks for sharing. You have put into poetry/words what most of us have gone through. Thanks once again
Thanks, Kiron.
Dear Surinder very sad to know about Uncleji , this is reality which we all may have faced or will have to face.
You have been a good friend and human being. You have performed duties as a good son. Please accept our sincere condolences . Our prayers for the departed soul to rest in peace. Please take care wish to see you in near future.
Thanks, JP. I have yet to visit Ajanta, Ellora, and Grishneshwar. When I visit, I will meet you.
Parents may grow old and frail, may not be able to pull up their breath- it may be time to unite with Almighty but the bond being so strong- it’s painful when it breaks. Take a good care as they do when we were a child. Tikoo, you have been a good son. God bless you!
Thank you, Satinder.
Very true about what should be done in case of critical situation.
Better to discuss with kids.
Yes. That is an important and practical takeaway.
I had to take a similar decision for my mother – it was difficult as I wanted her to live longer. However my selfish needs were overtaken by her need for peaceful release from the torture her living had become with an unresponsive body despite a clear and sound mind. She was only 77 when she passed.
It’s a moral dilemma.
Subsequently, it’s sometimes haunting.